Things That Go Bump In The Night
by ckhushrenada
Summary: Pencils are sometimes too small within a friendship and no one likes a stalker. DMxRWxHGxSS-HP


Things That Go Bump In The Night

**YUMI-MAKI DO NOT READ THIS**…AS YOUR FRIEND I COMMAND YOU NOT TO…BUT IF YOU DO IGNOR THIS VERY GOOD ADVICE AT LEAST REVIEW…

To everyone else:

I don't own 'Arry Potter so please don't take me to court JKR!!...lol…the poor librarian!

IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE:

Things That Go Bump In The Night

By kc

Hermione walked through the door, her bushy brown hair covering her '_shoulders_', "Malfoy, are you ready?" she asked half shouting toward the back room.

"Oh! Hermione?" stammered Malfoy, "Wait just a minute."

"Malfoy, I'm really '_excited'_. Please hurry!"

"I'll get to you in a moment" said Malfoy as though he was _'straining to push something.'_

"I'm coming in!" picking up her wand, "Alohomora."

"Malfoy!" screamed Hermione in shock as she saw Ron on the floor as if all the life had been drained from him and Malfoy hovering over him quickly pulling up has own pants.

"Ohhhhh!" groaned Ron who simply seemed to be in a daze of pleasure.

"I thought I told you that I would get to you in a moment woman!" barked Malfoy harshly.

"Who are you calling woman, and you shouldn't be talking after all you're the one who was just fitting his '_digits'_ into another man's arse. At least I'm not a jerk!" Hermione shouted tearfully.

Malfoy walked gracefully to Hermione, embracing her in his warm embrace, nibbling at her ears and eating her '_secret places_'. "Malfoy, why can't I ever get over you?" cried Hermione slightly glazed over.

"Probably, its because I'm insatiable." Said Malfoy in fruity voice.

"Do you think that I'm prostitutish?" asked Hermione breathless with pleasure.

"Yes!" said Malfoy as she grabbed his... _'you know what'_… and massaged it.

" I see you still have your foreskin." Whispered Hermione

"Yes, father said that he does not want anyone touching my dick but him, as you can see I'm not very good at following orders." Growled Malfoy as he turned his head, getting Ron's attention and inviting his to join them. Ron staggered from his position on the floor towards them as Malfoy excreted a white fluid after being fondled for so long, and in such tempting ways.

"Ron, give me all that you have!" said Malfoy seductively.

Ron raised his own member and inserted himself gently into Malfoy's arse and held him as a dog would when mating. Ron pressed his lips against Malfoy's ear and whispered, "I still don't forgive you. You didn't even tell me that you were with the girl I liked, even when you knew I liked her."

"I wanted someone to play with instead of my father, sorry lover boy."

"HEY, You had me! What was wrong with me?"

"You have Harry stalking you." Malfoy mumbled as he felt Hermione's _'shoulders'_ press most delicately against his strong muscular chest.

"Harry is a totally different story. All he has is a pencil, I need something bigger than that in me to be satisfied."

Malfoy felt down and ran his fingers on the _'seeds'_ of Ron's _'plant'_ causing an instant orgasm. "Now is no time to think about Harry."

"Why isn't it time to think about me?" said Harry grinning like a wild cat.

"That is because no one cares about you." Replied Malfoy harshly.

"What are you doing here anyway," asked Harry observing the scene before him. Malfoy was sandwiched between his two best friends (neither of which seemed to have the kindness to call him) and all three were naked. "Wait, on second thought, you don't need to answer that. I already saw everything from outside," squeaked Harry excitedly, "I wanted to join you. You sound like your having a blast from outside."

"Yeah and you can't join. What a shame." scoffed Malfoy.

"Ron didn't say that did he?" he retorted coldly.

Ron's red hair covered his blue eyes as he bent his head, looking at the ground as he confessed, "Harry, I never liked you and you may call yourself a love machine but its clear that you battery has run out. I don't like _'pencils'_ there too small for me and could probable hurt someone."

Harry then steered pensively at Hermione for some time and begged, "Hermione, I'm tired of _'reving the engine'_ myself and driving with Hedwig. I even made her bisexual, but she doesn't know what that means but she does it with males and female owls. Even she thinks my dick is too small because she squeaked loudly every time we did it in the owlery."

With an open jaw, "You are even freakier than Malfoy's dad. Go do it with a wall or something," said a shocked Hermione.

"Even better a pencil sharpener." interrupted Malfoy.

"Just stay the fuck away from me!" said Hermione.

Harry ran and jumped on Malfoy, pulled down his pants and slid himself up and down Malfoy's leg.

"Get the hell off of me Potter!" screamed Malfoy as he, Ron and Hermione pushed Harry off on to the floor. Snape suddenly walked in, "What in the devil's name is going on in here! This is the Slytherin Common Room for heaven's sake. Fifty points from Gryffindor!"

"What about Slytherin?" inquired Ron.

"I'll let Malfoy shag me, I mean meet me in my office later. As for the rest of you go back to your dormitories now!"

Harry moved first exiting quickly. The other's pretended to follow but once Harry was out side the common room they quickly locked the door. Only grunts, pants and screams of pleasure could be heard through the wall as Harry listened, desperately trying to get in. He '_banged'_ on the door in frustration.

"Come on, please! Just one orgasm with a human this time." whined Harry. "Hmmm, Ummm" as he continued to 'bang' the door, the knob looked suddenly very stimulating. The cold metal was sensational against his warm body. Harry desperately rocked against the door knob inserting his _'key'_ deeper. Malfoy suddenly opened to see what the moaning was about and when there was a snap followed by a cry.

"Harry what happened? Did you break your _'pencil'_?" asked Malfoy laughing.

After being rushed to the hospital wing still naked Harry was red covered in blush from the shame of having so many people see him _'broken pencil'_.

"According to my research there is no remedy for your very unfortunate accident to your…hahehhahah" laughed Hermione.

Harry looked down at his _'broken pencil'_ in mourning. "Right, so here's your robe and next time, just leave us to fuck in peace, ok Harry!" Screamed Malfoy who was upset at having lost his chance to spend the night in a three some. "Oh I forgot, I have to go see the professor now in his office. I think he wants to talk to me about **sponsoring** the next **quiditch match**. See you later."

"Hey what about me?" asked Harry.

"Hey no one told you to romp with the door know. Get someone to do it with." barked Ron. Harry stayed on the bed and romped with the pillows until he was healed and then he guessed he would have to settle for Hedwig.

Leaving Harry to his misery, Ron and Hermione left the hospital wing returning to their dorm, discussing the night's events.

"Ron, since Malfoy is not very faithful to any of us I think we should go and wash ourselves, and agree the from now on the only people that will be allowed to touch us will be ourselves." declared Hermione.

"Except for my mother. She has to give it a check up every now and again. I don't know but she seems to shudder with pleasure anytime she touches it."

"You sure an animal Ron."

"No, I'm just bisexual. Now come on let's go. Before we go wash ourselves and make the promise I want to have you hard."

LOL

THE END

Unless you want more and send reviews asking for more……

Okie so the original title of the story was Bisexual…but I didn't think that was an appropriate title for …well whatever.

Please know that this was written in 2001 and I just re-read it and I couldn't stop laughing at my bad writing so I thought I would post it to give you all a laugh too, by the way it was meant to make fun of Harry Potter…if you don't like it don't read…but then again if you've gotten this far you've already read it….well since you've read it, please review and I'll give you a cookie!!


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